Pee pee and poo poo will rule your life, but not like you think

You will change your vocabulary. You'll say crazy shit in a sympathetic whiny voice like, "oh no, honey. Did you get poop on your penis? I'm sorry. No don't cry. Don't worry, mommy will wipe it off."
"Oh no, your testicles too? Ok, it's okay, we'll fix it."

And this will be in a porta potty and you'll think, "I'm going to burn the entire side of my body off when I get home because I have never ever let this much of myself touch anything in a port-a-potty before for a REASON. And then you will wipe shit off of a tiny penis... and testicles.

When you're prepping for baby, you'll think of changing diapers but that's not the shit no one tells you. No one tells you, you'll stop 4 times for potty breaks on a 35 minute trip when you have a one and 3 year old because the 1 year old is learning from the 3 year old and you have to stop when anyone says "I have to go poop, mommy," because...well... optimism. Diapers might end. And this will effectively make your 35 minute car ride into a 4hour circus akin to the scene in European vacation (see how I worked Euro-pee-an in there?) "Look kids, big ben"

Then at some point, you'll decide to let them pee on the ground instead of going into a single other establishment and they'll find an old TV and have a party of peeing on it.

Then you'll think you're all clear. That both kids are out of diapers and you're done but then the now 2 year old will say, "no, I didn't peepee on the heater, Magnus did it." And he'll be lying. They had a pissing contest on the heater. And they got the idea while peeing on the side of the road.

You will picture terrible things

When my first child was a baby, I suddenly and often had vivid imaginings of terrible things happening to him. I had trouble watching my husband carry him downstairs, but it wasn't just obvious things like this. If this has never happened to you, you may think I sound paranoid or even delusional but it turns out to be quite normal to have fairly detailed near-hallucinations of death when you're a new parent.

I no longer do this quite so much now that he's 4. So that ends and that's nice.