When I had my miscarriage, there were certain things people said that set me off. From talking to other people, I've found that they too had things that set them off. Sometimes the my things and their things overlapped, but not always. For example: it never bothered me when people talked about the science of how your body got rid of something that wouldn't have developed properly. But other women I talked with were upset by this comment. So here's the list of things I've heard NOT to say:
-It wasn't meant to be.
-You'll have other kids.
-Its in god's plan.
-You'll get pregnant again.
-Its for the best.
The list could go on and on. Because in reality, there's nothing good to say. Except maybe, "I'm sorry." The best thing after that is to listen. To let the person cry. To offer to talk about mindless other things. To tell the person you're there for them. And after that, call them. They're unlikely to call you, even if you said to. Its a good idea to call them again and ask what they want. I like offering some options- "you can talk to me about things if you want, or I can talk about mindless shit on tv if you want a distraction."
One thing that really surprised me about my miscarriage was how long I grieved. I don't mean that lightly either. I mean, I came home from work and if you weren't right in my face, you didn't know, but I was actively in pain. For months. And months. I think its helpful for people to know that. Don't assume your friend is ok because it happened a couple of months ago and she's back to drinking and hanging out again. Ask. Offer.
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