The shit no one tells you is, after giving birth, the idea of taking a shit is really scary. I thought since "shit" is in the title of the blog, I might as well start with it as a topic.
So shitting after having a baby's scary. Things are sore down there and it feels like taking a shit might just turn your vagina inside out. And no one wants their vagina's insies on the outsies. Plus, pushing a baby out feels a whole lot like pushing a poop out. Same muscles. In fact, most women poop during labor. Just the way it is. And if you're scared about that, don't be. You won't care. In fact, you'll probably be much more afraid of pooping after you have the baby than during. I know I was scared. My midwife told me it would be a few days in all likelihood before I had a BM. I hoped otherwise and told her it was likely I'd poop again soon. I'm one of the lucky ones. I poop constantly. Too much info? Tough shit. That's what this blog is for.
So I have this friend...
I know when people say that sometimes they mean themselves, but I have no shame/pride so if it happened to me, I'd just tell the story.
Anyways, I have this friend who had a baby a few years ago. We'll use her now to illustrate how women are often afraid of pooping after giving birth.
She had her baby in the hospital all American styles. Induction, epidural, nurses, doctors, the whole nine.
And one of the hurdles you have to hit before going home from the hospital is a successful dump. But this gal, she was afeared of letting one out. She is also a frequent pooper. A point that will further emphasize how scary the taking a poop can be shortly. That's my attempt at foreshadowing ya'll.
So she wants to go home. I think most people want out of a hospital. Its a little like jail that way. You kinda have no choice but to go in, but then you want out as quickly as possible.
Dang, I'm sidetracking the shit out of myself today. So yeah, she wants to go home. And she's all set with all the other hoops and loops and whatnots. So she just lies. She tells the nurse she already went. Here's how the conversation might have gone knowing this girl as I do.
"I pooped. Can I go home now?"
"Um, we kind of needed to see that."
"Well, its shit. I didn't think you'd want a framed picture of it so I sent it where I send all my other little turds- down the pipes. You're welcome to search them."
She can be a bit intimidating, that one. So they believed her and sent her home.
But she was scared to crap. So she held it. And held it. And held it.
One day, she finally couldn't hold it anymore. As I said, she was a frequent pooper. She had to go.
I should mention now that this day that she had to go... it was 3 weeks after having the baby. That's right, she didn't shit for 3 weeks!
So when she did. It filled the toilet. Literally. Filled.
No plunger was enough. She tried.
So when push came to filling-her-toilet-with-shit, she had to call her landlord. And explain to her landlord that the toilet was clogged. And go through the list of things she'd done to try to unclog her toilet. Then her landlord indeed agreed she would need to have a plumber come over and unclog her toilet. So she had to not only call the plumber but face his crack as he extracted 3 weeks worth of a frequent pooper's feces in order to unclog her toilet.
I hope she breastfed through the whole conversation.
The moral of the story- you tell me. I think its you better face your fears or bigger, scarier shit's gonna happen anyway.