Sex after childbirth... it does happen someday, right?

I was lucky in the postpartum pooping department. I shit within 24 hours after giving birth. And I figure this was lucky because it meant that I didn't stew about how bad it was going to hurt. I didn't have time to get too scared about it.

Sex postpartum is another story.

I was so happy to have gotten to have natural childbirth at home. Moments after giving birth, I felt so close to my husband. I really wanted to have sex with him. It was such an intimate time. And sex is what you do to celebrate intimacy. But not so much when 8 lbs of pain has just torn through your vagina. Best to hang back and wait for some healing.

I'd torn in the regular places and also in my labia. They call it a button hole. What a cutesy bunch of bullshit.

But 3 months later, I still hadn't had sex. I only had a couple of stitches but apparently it was hard to determine where to stitch because I had hematomas all over. Which is gross and painful. They didn't stitch my labia at all. Which wouldn't have been a big deal if it had been a small hole, but it wasn't. Which means it could catch during sex and could tear and hurt like a motherfucker. So then 6 weeks postpartum, I went back to the midwife. She called in a national expert on stitching who debraded and restitched everything. Which was painful. I mean, really, really painful.

Then 13 weeks postpartum, the hole in my labia completely reopened. Which meant I was facing stitching for a third time. The third time I gave up on being tough and went to the OB's office for the comfort and the good drugs.

I'm a slow healer. It happens. My husband was very patient. He genuinely did not pressure me. I did all the pressuring myself. I'm awesome like that.

The long and short of it is, it was six months before we successfully had sex again. This isn't as uncommon as you would think either. There's the six week mark where you think you'll be healed. And I sort of was. I went hiking and could do most things then. But there's still tissue remodeling that takes place for a long time. So take heart if you're waiting and worrying. Or... say... pressuring yourself. Relax. It will happen.

For me, sex is better now. I prefer not to look downtown. Things are a little larger than I'd anticipated. I don't like changes to my body. I like to look at me and see me. If I had the choice to switch places with Paris Hilton, I wouldn't. Partly because I'm better looking than she is, and partly because she's horrible. Ok, better example, Scarlett Johansson. I would like to fuck someone's brains out in her body for a day. But if I had the choice, I'd rather see me in the mirror. That's how I feel about some of the changes to my body post partum. But how they FEEL? They feel fucking great! Now that things are healed, its more comfortable than ever. And for the past year, I've orgasmed easier than ever.

I asked some of the ladies I know to tell me about what their experience was like having sex after a vaginal delivery. I have no idea what's wrong with me, but it had never ocurred to me to think about this until after I had a baby. Don't know if I'm a dumbass or if this is some sort of self-preservation/I-want-to-assume-I'll-continue-to-like-sex-so-I'll-bury-my-head-in-the-sand thing or what. But I never thought about it. I never heard anyone talk about it. So I decided this is a topic that should get some attention.

Here's one response I got:

I was SCARED TO DEATH. I kept thinking OMFG I am gonna tear right back open!!! Not to mention the amount of excruciating pain that I was about to endure! I was almost hyperventilating at the thought. I think my body must have been as stiff as a board.

But much to my surprise it wasn't nearly as horrifying as I had imagined. We took things slowly and used a lot of lubrication. There was a little pain (mostly a burning sensation from the skin stretching) at first, but I made him just stay still until the pain subsided before any thrusting began. We started moving slowly at first and then faster and faster as I became more comfortable. It was almost like having sex for the first time again, and it was certainly enjoyable for him since my vagina was a little tighter than it used be. So have no fear, it is not such a horrible horrifying experience.

I've known this woman for most of my life. So when I read that she felt "stiff as a board," it brought me back to playing Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board with her when we were kids. Funny.

One detail on her comments though, I'm pretty much POSITIVE that men don't give a shit how tight your vagina is. I could be wrong, but every. single. man. I've ever discussed it with says they don't care. Its more about chemistry than anything it seems.

Anyway, another woman responded saying that she hasn't been able to return to regular sexual patterns yet either. Its been about 6 months. She said she can't get over the feeling that she's been examined every time her husband touches her.

I guess parenting magazine just published an article about this. They probably did a better job than me. But they probably don't swear in posts either. Fuck 'em!

Anyway, some physical things to consider: your vagina has some remodeling tissues in there and it may take time for the region to allow you to enjoy things. I think oral sex should be mandatory in these scenarios. The women receiving, fellas. Don't get all excited and think I just ordered your gal to blow you. She's probably a little ahead on the tally there anyway. Ha! Get it? "ahead?" Boy, I'm mature sometimes.

Back to the post... on top of your vagina physically maybe lacking some comfort, you may also suffer from vaginal dryness due to the hormones. Again, oral is probably the way to go. But there's nothin wrong with a little bump n grind... just use some lube. Probably you'll both enjoy the oral better.

The other thing with breastfeeding and hormones and all that is that women may lack interest in sex. With dry nannies and painful sex, can you blame us? Our bodies are not ready for another baby and sex is ultimately, biologically a method to make a baby. So turning off the sex drive by drying up the pipes and focusing on the babies is our body's way of protecting us from shooting out another bean too soon.

In our society and our relationships, sex is part of romantic relationships. So, you should try to have some. Sometimes. Did I mention oral might be the way to go? Whatever you do, just take your time with each other and talk because what your feeling and doing is not new. And it is normal.

So I hear. I still haven't really had experience. Yup, that's right 4 months later, I'm holding a new V card. Or something. I'll keep working on that but have been having stitches and all kinds of girl part drama, so I've been benched. Soon though. Should be soon.

Here are a few small shits no one tells you:
- Hemorrhoids are varicose veins in your ass. Also, even if you don't get them through your whole pregnancy and so you think you're in the clear, they still might happen when you give birth. I missed that one. It happened to me. See? I told you I have no shame and will not blame shit on a "friend."
-Some women have orgasms during birth. Its called a "birth climax." Its the only thing in all of pregnancy that I heard about that didn't make me think, "I should put this on a list of things to keep teenagers from having unprotected sex." I do know someone it happened to. It really does happen. And it is supposedly one hell of an orgasm. It will not happen if you have an epidural. Or, maybe it will, but you won't know that it happened because you'll be numb from the waist down.
-MOST women shit during birth. Also, giving birth can be smelly. Think period smell only more. I know, its gross. But men should have a warning about these things. Men, if you are going to have problems fucking your wife after the birth because you saw her snatch all stretched out with a bloody baby head coming out and poop being wiped away by a nurse, that is understandable. Kindly be prepared for this possibility. Consider, am I the kind of man that will picture this later at an inopportune time? Because if you are, make an adult decision to stay by your wife's head during labor and skip the view. Also, the smell. You should be prepared for the smell. All our ladies have different smells. Some are slight and some are more pungent. Such is life. And that follows with birth too. I think women with stronger smells anyway have stronger smelling births. I'd be grossed out by this if I were a dude. As it was, I was in a birthpainfuckthis trance during my son's birth so I really couldn't tell you how it was. I'm ok with that. My husband stayed by my face. He's a smart grownup like that.

A parable about the importance of a daily BM

The shit no one tells you is, after giving birth, the idea of taking a shit is really scary. I thought since "shit" is in the title of the blog, I might as well start with it as a topic.

So shitting after having a baby's scary. Things are sore down there and it feels like taking a shit might just turn your vagina inside out. And no one wants their vagina's insies on the outsies. Plus, pushing a baby out feels a whole lot like pushing a poop out. Same muscles. In fact, most women poop during labor. Just the way it is. And if you're scared about that, don't be. You won't care. In fact, you'll probably be much more afraid of pooping after you have the baby than during. I know I was scared. My midwife told me it would be a few days in all likelihood before I had a BM. I hoped otherwise and told her it was likely I'd poop again soon. I'm one of the lucky ones. I poop constantly. Too much info? Tough shit. That's what this blog is for.

So I have this friend...

I know when people say that sometimes they mean themselves, but I have no shame/pride so if it happened to me, I'd just tell the story.

Anyways, I have this friend who had a baby a few years ago. We'll use her now to illustrate how women are often afraid of pooping after giving birth.



She had her baby in the hospital all American styles. Induction, epidural, nurses, doctors, the whole nine.

And one of the hurdles you have to hit before going home from the hospital is a successful dump. But this gal, she was afeared of letting one out. She is also a frequent pooper. A point that will further emphasize how scary the taking a poop can be shortly. That's my attempt at foreshadowing ya'll.

So she wants to go home. I think most people want out of a hospital. Its a little like jail that way. You kinda have no choice but to go in, but then you want out as quickly as possible.

Dang, I'm sidetracking the shit out of myself today. So yeah, she wants to go home. And she's all set with all the other hoops and loops and whatnots. So she just lies. She tells the nurse she already went. Here's how the conversation might have gone knowing this girl as I do.

"I pooped. Can I go home now?"
"Um, we kind of needed to see that."
"Well, its shit. I didn't think you'd want a framed picture of it so I sent it where I send all my other little turds- down the pipes. You're welcome to search them."

She can be a bit intimidating, that one. So they believed her and sent her home.

But she was scared to crap. So she held it. And held it. And held it.

One day, she finally couldn't hold it anymore. As I said, she was a frequent pooper. She had to go.

I should mention now that this day that she had to go... it was 3 weeks after having the baby. That's right, she didn't shit for 3 weeks!

So when she did. It filled the toilet. Literally. Filled.

No plunger was enough. She tried.

So when push came to filling-her-toilet-with-shit, she had to call her landlord. And explain to her landlord that the toilet was clogged. And go through the list of things she'd done to try to unclog her toilet. Then her landlord indeed agreed she would need to have a plumber come over and unclog her toilet. So she had to not only call the plumber but face his crack as he extracted 3 weeks worth of a frequent pooper's feces in order to unclog her toilet.

I hope she breastfed through the whole conversation.

The moral of the story- you tell me. I think its you better face your fears or bigger, scarier shit's gonna happen anyway.