Sex after childbirth... it does happen someday, right?

I was lucky in the postpartum pooping department. I shit within 24 hours after giving birth. And I figure this was lucky because it meant that I didn't stew about how bad it was going to hurt. I didn't have time to get too scared about it.

Sex postpartum is another story.

I was so happy to have gotten to have natural childbirth at home. Moments after giving birth, I felt so close to my husband. I really wanted to have sex with him. It was such an intimate time. And sex is what you do to celebrate intimacy. But not so much when 8 lbs of pain has just torn through your vagina. Best to hang back and wait for some healing.

I'd torn in the regular places and also in my labia. They call it a button hole. What a cutesy bunch of bullshit.

But 3 months later, I still hadn't had sex. I only had a couple of stitches but apparently it was hard to determine where to stitch because I had hematomas all over. Which is gross and painful. They didn't stitch my labia at all. Which wouldn't have been a big deal if it had been a small hole, but it wasn't. Which means it could catch during sex and could tear and hurt like a motherfucker. So then 6 weeks postpartum, I went back to the midwife. She called in a national expert on stitching who debraded and restitched everything. Which was painful. I mean, really, really painful.

Then 13 weeks postpartum, the hole in my labia completely reopened. Which meant I was facing stitching for a third time. The third time I gave up on being tough and went to the OB's office for the comfort and the good drugs.

I'm a slow healer. It happens. My husband was very patient. He genuinely did not pressure me. I did all the pressuring myself. I'm awesome like that.

The long and short of it is, it was six months before we successfully had sex again. This isn't as uncommon as you would think either. There's the six week mark where you think you'll be healed. And I sort of was. I went hiking and could do most things then. But there's still tissue remodeling that takes place for a long time. So take heart if you're waiting and worrying. Or... say... pressuring yourself. Relax. It will happen.

For me, sex is better now. I prefer not to look downtown. Things are a little larger than I'd anticipated. I don't like changes to my body. I like to look at me and see me. If I had the choice to switch places with Paris Hilton, I wouldn't. Partly because I'm better looking than she is, and partly because she's horrible. Ok, better example, Scarlett Johansson. I would like to fuck someone's brains out in her body for a day. But if I had the choice, I'd rather see me in the mirror. That's how I feel about some of the changes to my body post partum. But how they FEEL? They feel fucking great! Now that things are healed, its more comfortable than ever. And for the past year, I've orgasmed easier than ever.

I asked some of the ladies I know to tell me about what their experience was like having sex after a vaginal delivery. I have no idea what's wrong with me, but it had never ocurred to me to think about this until after I had a baby. Don't know if I'm a dumbass or if this is some sort of self-preservation/I-want-to-assume-I'll-continue-to-like-sex-so-I'll-bury-my-head-in-the-sand thing or what. But I never thought about it. I never heard anyone talk about it. So I decided this is a topic that should get some attention.

Here's one response I got:

I was SCARED TO DEATH. I kept thinking OMFG I am gonna tear right back open!!! Not to mention the amount of excruciating pain that I was about to endure! I was almost hyperventilating at the thought. I think my body must have been as stiff as a board.

But much to my surprise it wasn't nearly as horrifying as I had imagined. We took things slowly and used a lot of lubrication. There was a little pain (mostly a burning sensation from the skin stretching) at first, but I made him just stay still until the pain subsided before any thrusting began. We started moving slowly at first and then faster and faster as I became more comfortable. It was almost like having sex for the first time again, and it was certainly enjoyable for him since my vagina was a little tighter than it used be. So have no fear, it is not such a horrible horrifying experience.

I've known this woman for most of my life. So when I read that she felt "stiff as a board," it brought me back to playing Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board with her when we were kids. Funny.

One detail on her comments though, I'm pretty much POSITIVE that men don't give a shit how tight your vagina is. I could be wrong, but every. single. man. I've ever discussed it with says they don't care. Its more about chemistry than anything it seems.

Anyway, another woman responded saying that she hasn't been able to return to regular sexual patterns yet either. Its been about 6 months. She said she can't get over the feeling that she's been examined every time her husband touches her.

I guess parenting magazine just published an article about this. They probably did a better job than me. But they probably don't swear in posts either. Fuck 'em!

Anyway, some physical things to consider: your vagina has some remodeling tissues in there and it may take time for the region to allow you to enjoy things. I think oral sex should be mandatory in these scenarios. The women receiving, fellas. Don't get all excited and think I just ordered your gal to blow you. She's probably a little ahead on the tally there anyway. Ha! Get it? "ahead?" Boy, I'm mature sometimes.

Back to the post... on top of your vagina physically maybe lacking some comfort, you may also suffer from vaginal dryness due to the hormones. Again, oral is probably the way to go. But there's nothin wrong with a little bump n grind... just use some lube. Probably you'll both enjoy the oral better.

The other thing with breastfeeding and hormones and all that is that women may lack interest in sex. With dry nannies and painful sex, can you blame us? Our bodies are not ready for another baby and sex is ultimately, biologically a method to make a baby. So turning off the sex drive by drying up the pipes and focusing on the babies is our body's way of protecting us from shooting out another bean too soon.

In our society and our relationships, sex is part of romantic relationships. So, you should try to have some. Sometimes. Did I mention oral might be the way to go? Whatever you do, just take your time with each other and talk because what your feeling and doing is not new. And it is normal.

So I hear. I still haven't really had experience. Yup, that's right 4 months later, I'm holding a new V card. Or something. I'll keep working on that but have been having stitches and all kinds of girl part drama, so I've been benched. Soon though. Should be soon.

The Male Perspective on Sex: Part II

I posted this interview with a dad. A dad. NOT MY dad. There was some confusion over that last time and while my family's pretty liberal, this is not a conversation I would have with my own father. So anyway, this is the second of this series of interviews. I'm hoping for at least one more dad to interview, but we'll see. If you know a dad or ARE a dad that would be willing to be interviewed: please let me know.



What was sex like for you when your wife was pregnant?

My wife had a lot of nausea the first half of her pregnancy, so we didn't have a lot of sex. The routine aspect of sex while trying to conceive was something I disliked, believe it or not. It took away all the spontaneity, so it was nice to have it be more like it was before trying to conceive.


What things helped your sex life during pregnancy?

We got a little more adventurous with positions during pregnancy to get around the awkwardness as she grew. Some folks said doggy style works well, but we just found it ridiculous. Scissors style was easier for her, but her on top was best. We generally do her on top now.


Were there things throughout pregnancy/childbirth which took adjusting to? What were they and what helped in the adjustment?

The emotional swings of my wife were hard. If I wasn't in the mood, she'd take it pretty hard and it would only add to the feelings that she had about getting larger, not feeling attractive, etc.


Describe your experiences with sex immediately after your wife gave birth.

We took some time before having sex again. We are generally a low-sex couple (two to four times a month) but we went for a couple of months without any. We were both too exhausted and just didn't feel very sexy.


What advice could you offer dads about sex during pregnancy?

Remember that her emotions can be dialed way up, so being tender, caring and attentive is even more critical than ever. Tell her she's beautiful all the time. Also, her breasts (which have always been her most key erogenous zone) were tender so I had to change some of my nibble habits!

After birth?
My wife is much more likely to climax after her pregnancies. I think sex is generally more enjoyable for her because of this. The milk issue was tough though. She likes a lot of breast play (I do too!) And we had to pretty much shut that down for a year or so while nursing.


What advice could you offer moms about sex during pregnancy?

Not all guys are sex maniacs, so don't be insulted when we're not into it sometimes. Be ready to discover new and improved approaches to sex as the pregnancy goes on.

After birth?

For us, sex after pregnancy (now, years after) is much better than before, largely because she's more likely to climax. We didn't expect that at all, so it was a great outcome!

The Male Perspective on Sex

There are ways that we all edit ourselves. Things we might think, but wouldn't say to our significant other. For example, my husband would never say I looked fat in anything. Nor would he tell me I looked like hell. Nor would he likely tell me the honest truth about my vagina after delivery. Especially if it looked like fat hell.

So since I wanted to find out what men think about sex during pregnancy and after birth, I went to TBK and asked her who she might know that I could interview. (Being as how she's the source for all things sex related and how nice and helpful she is by nature, I figured she'd have the answers or get them.) She got me in touch with Reverend Matt from over at www.thecollectionblog.com, to do the first of 3 interviews with men about their perspective. Reverand Matt was nice enough to allow me to interview him about the nitty gritty details of sex and pregnancy and all that stuff. He provided me with concise, open, honest answers and did so promptly too! Don't worry, I even asked him vagina questions. You're welcome. Without further ado:

What was sex like for you when your wife/partner/gf was pregnant?

In our first pregnancy it was a pretty 'normal' pregnancy. Because we went through infertility treatments at first we were a little cautious, but by the time the 2nd trimester hormones kicked in and her sex drive returned we were more comfortable. After orgasm she would get cramping, which worried us a bit but her OB said that's fine and normal and not to worry about it.

How do you think fertility treatments affected your sex life?

Fertility treatments did affect our sex life in many ways. For me personally sex became a chore. There were specific days and times we HAD to have sex and ones where we shouldn't because there was no chance of conception and we didn't want to waste anything in the days leading up to the fertile stretch. It was tremendously stressful and cause me a great deal of anxiety about sex while we were going through it. Once we successfully conceived it became much easier to deal with sex again.

What things helped your sex life during pregnancy?

Communication. Reassuring her and making her feel beautiful.

Were there things throughout pregnancy/childbirth which took adjusting to? What were they and what helped in the adjustment?

Almost everything took adjusting to. Sometimes she was more interested in being made to feel pretty, loved, secure, cared for, and sex wasn't really appealing to her. Other times she was ready and eager for it but would get morning sickness in the middle. Being understanding of moods and emotional needs and etc is critical.

Describe your experiences with sex immediately after your wife gave birth.

She had severe post partum depression, there was not really any sex to speak of for a while. Once there was again there was some adjustment as the uterus has been through some big changes and she had some tearing during delivery which was still healing and sensitive.

What advice could you offer dads about sex during pregnancy?

Listen. Be understanding, patient, and willing to take care of yourself without pressuring her if need be. Reassure her that she's beautiful and you love her and everything is going to be OK.

After birth?

Really the same advice applies.

What advice could you offer moms about sex during pregnancy?

There is limited advice I can provide women about sex during or after pregnancy except to communicate. Overcommunicate. Make sure you are being as clear as you possibly can about your wants, needs, and limits.


If your wife had a vaginal delivery, how did that change the sensation of sex for you? Visually could you tell? How did you feel about it?

The first was a vaginal delivery. It altered the layout of the whole region a bit (I would say tilted everything slightly back and maybe altered where various nerve endings etc were located). Visually it wasn't noticeable, but it was noticeably physically. I was fine with the changes, it all changes a little bit over the course of each cycle and with age/weight loss/weight gain/etc etc. It's not enough of a change to make sex more or less pleasurable. The second was a c-section which obviously didn't alter sex in any way post delivery.

Before being pregnant myself, I thought of pregnant women as beautiful. As these benevolent looking beauties, swelling with mothering floweriness. Seriously.

But sexy and beautiful are not the same thing. You can be pretty without striking thoughts of wild romps in the hay into anyone's eyes. So felt I about pregnancy.

Plus, everyone envisions pregnancy as being about the 5-6 month mark. But you don't just one day look like you swallowed a basketball. There's an awkward stage or two to get there, where you don't look pregnant, you just look fat... or something.

And during that stage of awkwardness, I was shocked the first time I felt it. My stomach touched my husband's stomach during sex.

I thought I would not have to worry about weird feelings about sex until the time when it just doesn't work well to have sex in any position but spooning (also a myth.) Either that, or the thought had occurred to me that the baby might move during sex and completely take the wind out of my sails (that luckily never happened.)

There are, of course, body images to contend with when you're pregnant. Its a weird thing to have your body take on a brand new shape. Especially when you've gotten used to the shape its in for the past 10 or 15 years and most women, let's face it, aren't completely comfortable with that shape. And I had thought of all this. Heard about this. Read about this.

But the stomachs touching. Yuck.

Here's some thoughts I have on how to continue to enjoy sex if you feel like its not going so well. There's the obvious stuff: talk to your partner and share your feelings about your body. Buy clothes/makeup/shoes/purses something that makes you feel feminine and good about you. Thrift is no excuse, thrift stores exist to solve that one. Those are the obvious things.

Shit no one tells you, you might feel better if you've seen a preggo porno.

There I said it.

Not sure about you, but I have sexy images in my head that play at times during sex. I couldn't figure out how to sit in my preggo body and participate in any mental images of what was sexy. I needed an outside image to help me along. So I watched some pornos. If it works, don't question it. It gave me a mental construct of a sexy pregnant woman.

I'm not saying my husband and I took off on porno grade sexual escapades after this. But I was able to orgasm again. I have no science to back this, but it seems intuitively true to me that you should have lots of orgasms during pregnancy. Orgasms cause your uterus to contract and it seems likely that it helps keep your uterus healthy and strong during pregnancy so that in labor it will be able to contract easily the way it should. Again, I have no science behind this, but I'd call for an orgasm a day during pregnancy and say it sure can't hurt.

Porky's or Why I'm Writing This

When I was a kid, my parents had this policy that you could ask anything and get an honest answer. It went hand in hand with another policy of theirs, which was you could use any word as long as you knew what it meant. They'd quiz you occasionally too, just to make sure you were paying attention.
"What's 'pissed off' mean, Karin?"
"It means perturbed."
I was a bit precocious.

My parents rarely used the parental copout/freakout/I-don't-want-to-talk-about-this card of "I'll tell you when you're older." So I probably would have learned about sex pretty early no matter what.

But as it turned out, I learned about sex from the movie Porky's.



I was 4 or 5. In 1984, movies were a big treat. You couldn't just watch pop one in the DVD player at any time. You had to see it at the theater, or you had to wait for it to come out on network television. Most mommies reading this were probably born after 1984 so I'm giving a reference to the times. Not like before TV times, (we weren't crowded around the radio listening to fireside chats, I'm not that much older than you all,) but before VCRs and DVDs.

The one exception was hotels. Hotels had pay-per-view and you could order movies. Which was exciting and fun and how my parents got my brother and I to get along for a couple of hours so they could go to dinner without us. They left us in the room with instructions that we could order a movie. We could watch whatever we wanted, EXCEPT NOT Porky's.

So, of course, we watched Porky's.

My brother and I did not often get along as kids. So when we conspired to keep this a secret from my parents, I was all in. I was NOT telling that we'd conspired to watch an R movie. I kept it a secret for quite a while. I'm not sure how long it really was. But in 5-year-old-land, it was a long time.

But then one day where-babies-come-from came up. And I said I knew where babies came from. My mom decided it was time for a quiz. This time I was not so successful in my precociousness.

"Ok, Karin. Tell me, where do babies come from. Tell me what you know."
I cried for fear of being in trouble. I wasn't. I told. Babies come from when two people take their clothes off and rub up against each other.

My mom had "the talk" with me then and there. She used proper terminology like "penis" and "vagina" and told me the whole deal.

Except...

She forgot to tell me you don't get pregnant every time. It was years before I found that part out. Which meant I was really confused as to why all these "accidents" happened.

The process of pregnancy and miscarriage and childbirth and parenting can be like that. You think you know, but then you find out something no one ever told you about. Like how most ladies poop during childbirth and how lots of ladies leak pee at the end of pregnancy. I'm happy to accept ideas for this blog along the lines of "Shit No One Tells You"