The Male Perspective on Sex: Part II

I posted this interview with a dad. A dad. NOT MY dad. There was some confusion over that last time and while my family's pretty liberal, this is not a conversation I would have with my own father. So anyway, this is the second of this series of interviews. I'm hoping for at least one more dad to interview, but we'll see. If you know a dad or ARE a dad that would be willing to be interviewed: please let me know.



What was sex like for you when your wife was pregnant?

My wife had a lot of nausea the first half of her pregnancy, so we didn't have a lot of sex. The routine aspect of sex while trying to conceive was something I disliked, believe it or not. It took away all the spontaneity, so it was nice to have it be more like it was before trying to conceive.


What things helped your sex life during pregnancy?

We got a little more adventurous with positions during pregnancy to get around the awkwardness as she grew. Some folks said doggy style works well, but we just found it ridiculous. Scissors style was easier for her, but her on top was best. We generally do her on top now.


Were there things throughout pregnancy/childbirth which took adjusting to? What were they and what helped in the adjustment?

The emotional swings of my wife were hard. If I wasn't in the mood, she'd take it pretty hard and it would only add to the feelings that she had about getting larger, not feeling attractive, etc.


Describe your experiences with sex immediately after your wife gave birth.

We took some time before having sex again. We are generally a low-sex couple (two to four times a month) but we went for a couple of months without any. We were both too exhausted and just didn't feel very sexy.


What advice could you offer dads about sex during pregnancy?

Remember that her emotions can be dialed way up, so being tender, caring and attentive is even more critical than ever. Tell her she's beautiful all the time. Also, her breasts (which have always been her most key erogenous zone) were tender so I had to change some of my nibble habits!

After birth?
My wife is much more likely to climax after her pregnancies. I think sex is generally more enjoyable for her because of this. The milk issue was tough though. She likes a lot of breast play (I do too!) And we had to pretty much shut that down for a year or so while nursing.


What advice could you offer moms about sex during pregnancy?

Not all guys are sex maniacs, so don't be insulted when we're not into it sometimes. Be ready to discover new and improved approaches to sex as the pregnancy goes on.

After birth?

For us, sex after pregnancy (now, years after) is much better than before, largely because she's more likely to climax. We didn't expect that at all, so it was a great outcome!

The Male Perspective on Sex

There are ways that we all edit ourselves. Things we might think, but wouldn't say to our significant other. For example, my husband would never say I looked fat in anything. Nor would he tell me I looked like hell. Nor would he likely tell me the honest truth about my vagina after delivery. Especially if it looked like fat hell.

So since I wanted to find out what men think about sex during pregnancy and after birth, I went to TBK and asked her who she might know that I could interview. (Being as how she's the source for all things sex related and how nice and helpful she is by nature, I figured she'd have the answers or get them.) She got me in touch with Reverend Matt from over at www.thecollectionblog.com, to do the first of 3 interviews with men about their perspective. Reverand Matt was nice enough to allow me to interview him about the nitty gritty details of sex and pregnancy and all that stuff. He provided me with concise, open, honest answers and did so promptly too! Don't worry, I even asked him vagina questions. You're welcome. Without further ado:

What was sex like for you when your wife/partner/gf was pregnant?

In our first pregnancy it was a pretty 'normal' pregnancy. Because we went through infertility treatments at first we were a little cautious, but by the time the 2nd trimester hormones kicked in and her sex drive returned we were more comfortable. After orgasm she would get cramping, which worried us a bit but her OB said that's fine and normal and not to worry about it.

How do you think fertility treatments affected your sex life?

Fertility treatments did affect our sex life in many ways. For me personally sex became a chore. There were specific days and times we HAD to have sex and ones where we shouldn't because there was no chance of conception and we didn't want to waste anything in the days leading up to the fertile stretch. It was tremendously stressful and cause me a great deal of anxiety about sex while we were going through it. Once we successfully conceived it became much easier to deal with sex again.

What things helped your sex life during pregnancy?

Communication. Reassuring her and making her feel beautiful.

Were there things throughout pregnancy/childbirth which took adjusting to? What were they and what helped in the adjustment?

Almost everything took adjusting to. Sometimes she was more interested in being made to feel pretty, loved, secure, cared for, and sex wasn't really appealing to her. Other times she was ready and eager for it but would get morning sickness in the middle. Being understanding of moods and emotional needs and etc is critical.

Describe your experiences with sex immediately after your wife gave birth.

She had severe post partum depression, there was not really any sex to speak of for a while. Once there was again there was some adjustment as the uterus has been through some big changes and she had some tearing during delivery which was still healing and sensitive.

What advice could you offer dads about sex during pregnancy?

Listen. Be understanding, patient, and willing to take care of yourself without pressuring her if need be. Reassure her that she's beautiful and you love her and everything is going to be OK.

After birth?

Really the same advice applies.

What advice could you offer moms about sex during pregnancy?

There is limited advice I can provide women about sex during or after pregnancy except to communicate. Overcommunicate. Make sure you are being as clear as you possibly can about your wants, needs, and limits.


If your wife had a vaginal delivery, how did that change the sensation of sex for you? Visually could you tell? How did you feel about it?

The first was a vaginal delivery. It altered the layout of the whole region a bit (I would say tilted everything slightly back and maybe altered where various nerve endings etc were located). Visually it wasn't noticeable, but it was noticeably physically. I was fine with the changes, it all changes a little bit over the course of each cycle and with age/weight loss/weight gain/etc etc. It's not enough of a change to make sex more or less pleasurable. The second was a c-section which obviously didn't alter sex in any way post delivery.

My husband has been eating inordinate amounts of gas producing foods lately. This became obvious the night I could no longer put clothing away in my son's room because of the stink cloud that had taken over his room. My son, was unfazed and smiling adoringly at his father. So I left them to it. FYI, when you fart really loud in the kid's room and someone is in the next room, it makes the "voice" activated monitor turn on and you can hear the fart in stereo. My husband got to fist pumping over this.

I'd react or ask him to put a handle on it, but in my first trimester I was the gassiest thing alive. So there's a little shit no one tells you. Everyone tells you about the vomiting in the first trimester and most ladies hear about how tired you are, but no one mentions the insane amount of gas. If you're embarrassed about it, you should get over it by farting next to the monitor, because it really is funny.

Here are a few small shits no one tells you:
- Hemorrhoids are varicose veins in your ass. Also, even if you don't get them through your whole pregnancy and so you think you're in the clear, they still might happen when you give birth. I missed that one. It happened to me. See? I told you I have no shame and will not blame shit on a "friend."
-Some women have orgasms during birth. Its called a "birth climax." Its the only thing in all of pregnancy that I heard about that didn't make me think, "I should put this on a list of things to keep teenagers from having unprotected sex." I do know someone it happened to. It really does happen. And it is supposedly one hell of an orgasm. It will not happen if you have an epidural. Or, maybe it will, but you won't know that it happened because you'll be numb from the waist down.
-MOST women shit during birth. Also, giving birth can be smelly. Think period smell only more. I know, its gross. But men should have a warning about these things. Men, if you are going to have problems fucking your wife after the birth because you saw her snatch all stretched out with a bloody baby head coming out and poop being wiped away by a nurse, that is understandable. Kindly be prepared for this possibility. Consider, am I the kind of man that will picture this later at an inopportune time? Because if you are, make an adult decision to stay by your wife's head during labor and skip the view. Also, the smell. You should be prepared for the smell. All our ladies have different smells. Some are slight and some are more pungent. Such is life. And that follows with birth too. I think women with stronger smells anyway have stronger smelling births. I'd be grossed out by this if I were a dude. As it was, I was in a birthpainfuckthis trance during my son's birth so I really couldn't tell you how it was. I'm ok with that. My husband stayed by my face. He's a smart grownup like that.