A blog about miscarriage, pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period that talks about everything no one talks about. Input WELCOME, email me at Swedishskier@gmail.com with suggestions, additions, or guest post submissions.

Monday, November 22, 2010

My husband has been eating inordinate amounts of gas producing foods lately. This became obvious the night I could no longer put clothing away in my son's room because of the stink cloud that had taken over his room. My son, was unfazed and smiling adoringly at his father. So I left them to it. FYI, when you fart really loud in the kid's room and someone is in the next room, it makes the "voice" activated monitor turn on and you can hear the fart in stereo. My husband got to fist pumping over this.

I'd react or ask him to put a handle on it, but in my first trimester I was the gassiest thing alive. So there's a little shit no one tells you. Everyone tells you about the vomiting in the first trimester and most ladies hear about how tired you are, but no one mentions the insane amount of gas. If you're embarrassed about it, you should get over it by farting next to the monitor, because it really is funny.

1 comment:

  1. It's just me again.
    I read this shit and recalled another gas moment in life. Rest assured....this is NOT a preggo thing, but related to the individual, not the entire population.

    Most of us are made primarily of water...some H stuck with some 2 O's, like a threesome on a date. But a select few in the population are able to assimilate one hell of a lot of methane, which fortunately finds release in the blow hole of humans. (This is on top for whales; but bottom for humans; another topic).

    In college, let's say his name was Doug, since it was. There was never any doubt which room Doug happened to be occupying. The nose knew.
    Doug consisted primarily of methane molecules and very little water to put it out.

    He made the mistake of warning everyone in the room one time, that the winds are coming "out of the south", so to speak.

    Two guys grabbed Doug pronto and laid him flat, posted his legs and feet behind his head, while he was on his back. Immediately, a third fellow flicked his Zippo on and put the light near Doug's pants, close to the blow hole.

    True to form, Doug let loose big time.
    Amazingly, a two foot flame shot out of Doug's pants (no clothing burn at all) and was consumed in flame. The room had no change in smell at all, and everyone asked Doug to repeat the performance.
    He did and the fire was amazing.
    Doug now lives in Alaska (true) and I suspect he causes the Northern Lights Syndrome, or is the source for the natural gas pipeline we built out of necessity to save the state.

    So if you are a preggo and feel an urge to purge, but on the wrong end of your body, simply get a new Zippo and hold it behind you.
    If you already have a few little tykes around, make sure as Step 1, that none are hugging you by your rear before you flick that Zippo.

    Your heating bills will go down for a few months and that could be a rally call to get the planet knocked up at once.

    We have all these stupid holidays like Columbus Day. Why not a National Preggo Year, dedicated to everyone getting knocked up at once and passing the Zippo output into the record book.

    All guys could then tell all girls they are beautiful, then watch football and have a Zippo -festival.

    In ancient times, this may have occurred on the planet Mercury, and we all moved out a bit to Mother Earth.
    No shit! Why do you think we call her Mother?