Poop vs. Song

My second baby is six months old today.  That's a half a year!  And while I haven't slept through an entire night in what feels like infinity, and I have not pooped with the door closed in nearly 3 years, I am surpremely happy.  I think it's all the scribbling and singing silly songs.  If you don't do a lot of that with your kids, I will tell you the three things that make me get along best with my toddler when he's getting annoying:  singing silly songs (I recommend Brass Monkey, by the Beastie Boys, b/c then your toddler will sing it later while going down the echoey stairs and that's seriously funny stuff,) scribbling with wild abandon, and wrestling (great for aggression release when you're getting stupidly pissed at the small cave person's attitude problem, because seriously, they can be infuriating but getting mad is just stupid b/c the poor small person's brain just hasn't developed yet.  Take a deep breath and wrestle about it.)

If you can't do those things, walking away to count to a thousand and take some deep breaths is totally a good idea.  I know b/c some shit I knew but chose to ignore was that sometimes toddlers shit on the floor in defiance.  And my kid did that a couple weeks ago.  Congratulations to me b/c I didn't kill him.  I barely even yelled.  I did, however, grab his hand and make him pick it up.  We've spent some time since then singing songs, scribbling, and wrestling.  And I can honestly say our household is once again happy.

Why is there an upside-down stool in the middle of the room and a batman character imbedded in the middle off my back?  Because, your house goes to absolute shit when you have two kids.  Don't let your multi-child friends fool you at some dinner party.  There are secret stashes of crap they pushed into closets at the last minute or grandma just visited for two weeks and cleaned or soemthing.  Your friends with two kids and an organized house are fooling you.

Your house goes to shit when you have two kids.  At least if they're both small AND you have the normal variety of husband that doesn't do housework unless something is green and growing out of a hole somewhere or you specifically asked, and then asked again, and then flatout told him to do it.  No, right now. 

So, normal every day folks' houses go to shit.  And it's uncomfortable.  There's WAY more clutter than I can handle and by the quantity of laundry we do, you'd think there was a village in the back of my house that I'm secretly taking in the washing for in order to make ends meet.  But no, this is just how much there is.  The dog hasn't had a bath in three months and the bathrooms floor only gets cleaned when someone drops something or I cut the kiddo's hair in there.  But the kids and I are clean and well-fed so ... my house is just shit for a while. 

Don't stop by.  Or do.  It's really your call if you can handle it.  I like living.  So, I have to let the house be shitty so I can write and shower and eat and ski and do crafts with Magnus and read books and build forts.  So if you can look past the mess, I'll share a glass of wine with you in a zebra print fort.  If you can't, I understand.  I can't really either.  Thus the wine.

Getting Pregnant Again

The second your first baby is born, you think "I'm never doing this again."  You know the pain.  You know the trauma.  You're so happy to not be pregnant anymore. But then sex feels all good and you like your partner again and you get a lil lazy with the birth control and BAM! You're pregnant again. 

The second pregnancy will be completely different than the first.  Everyone tells you this.  This is the reverse of the shit no one tells you.  It's the shit everyone tells you but you don't believe a single one of them.  It was so different, I was shocked to find that this baby was also a boy.  I was completely convinced that since I had so much more energy and felt so much better, it must be a girl.  Nope.  The second pregnancy is just different.

So is the second birth.  Totally different.  I'm telling you.  But you probably won't believe me.  Or you'll be the exception and be all, "My pregnancies were totally the same." 

So I had another baby, I know, I know, shocking.  Why, wasn't it just two years ago I was writing this blog and deathly fearing the idea of having another one?  Yes, yes it was.  Nature and biology and sexytimes are neat like that. I found out I was pregnant three days before I started grad school.  So it goes.  Onward and upward! 

So I had another baby.  Another boy.  At home again.  And it was rad.  It went way, WAY better than last time.  I didn't get quite as huge.  I still have thirty pounds to lose but hey, it's not 60 like last time so that's good.  I didn't push for two hours.  I pushed once.  And the whole danged baby came out, which was cool. 

I will swear by two things about childbirth and they are: red raspberry leaf tea and orgasms.  Each should happen daily and if you need to masturbate to make that happen-- do it.  If you don't, you're a bitch who is obviously married to some pornstar-grade-piece-of-man-meat and you'll probably have some flat, perfect stomach four weeks after labor too.  I mean, you're a lovely woman and we should have tea some time.  Or something.

It never occurred to me that I could get a uterine infection.  I had a short labor.  I had NO cervical checks.  Which is not normal unless you're at home, and I was.  Which also lowers your risk of infection.  Yet, five days after I had Gavin, there I was feeling like I had the flu.  It hurt to move my eyeballs.  My stomach was distended, which was hard to see since it just looked like it hadn't gone down from getting fat and having a baby yet.  And it hurt like balls to touch my belly anywhere.  A uterine infection is no joke.  It's one of those things that used to kill women.  It can go systemic and kill you pretty quickly actually because it's an organ in the middle of your stomach that is connected to a lot of blood supply.  Which means your whole body can go septic quickly.  No joke.  Thankfully it's 2013, so I got on some antibiotics and was ok pretty quickly. 

I did NOT get hemorrhoids this time though.  Neat.

I did have hot flashes like a middle aged lady- perfectly normal at the end of pregnancy and immediately following birth.  Hormones, of course.  Interestingly, my doctor confessed that she had had this exact problem and that in all her years of practice and training, no one had told her about this possibility.  There's always some shit no one tells you it seems.

Sex after childbirth... it does happen someday, right?

I was lucky in the postpartum pooping department. I shit within 24 hours after giving birth. And I figure this was lucky because it meant that I didn't stew about how bad it was going to hurt. I didn't have time to get too scared about it.

Sex postpartum is another story.

I was so happy to have gotten to have natural childbirth at home. Moments after giving birth, I felt so close to my husband. I really wanted to have sex with him. It was such an intimate time. And sex is what you do to celebrate intimacy. But not so much when 8 lbs of pain has just torn through your vagina. Best to hang back and wait for some healing.

I'd torn in the regular places and also in my labia. They call it a button hole. What a cutesy bunch of bullshit.

But 3 months later, I still hadn't had sex. I only had a couple of stitches but apparently it was hard to determine where to stitch because I had hematomas all over. Which is gross and painful. They didn't stitch my labia at all. Which wouldn't have been a big deal if it had been a small hole, but it wasn't. Which means it could catch during sex and could tear and hurt like a motherfucker. So then 6 weeks postpartum, I went back to the midwife. She called in a national expert on stitching who debraded and restitched everything. Which was painful. I mean, really, really painful.

Then 13 weeks postpartum, the hole in my labia completely reopened. Which meant I was facing stitching for a third time. The third time I gave up on being tough and went to the OB's office for the comfort and the good drugs.

I'm a slow healer. It happens. My husband was very patient. He genuinely did not pressure me. I did all the pressuring myself. I'm awesome like that.

The long and short of it is, it was six months before we successfully had sex again. This isn't as uncommon as you would think either. There's the six week mark where you think you'll be healed. And I sort of was. I went hiking and could do most things then. But there's still tissue remodeling that takes place for a long time. So take heart if you're waiting and worrying. Or... say... pressuring yourself. Relax. It will happen.

For me, sex is better now. I prefer not to look downtown. Things are a little larger than I'd anticipated. I don't like changes to my body. I like to look at me and see me. If I had the choice to switch places with Paris Hilton, I wouldn't. Partly because I'm better looking than she is, and partly because she's horrible. Ok, better example, Scarlett Johansson. I would like to fuck someone's brains out in her body for a day. But if I had the choice, I'd rather see me in the mirror. That's how I feel about some of the changes to my body post partum. But how they FEEL? They feel fucking great! Now that things are healed, its more comfortable than ever. And for the past year, I've orgasmed easier than ever.

What not to say- Miscarriage

When I had my miscarriage, there were certain things people said that set me off. From talking to other people, I've found that they too had things that set them off. Sometimes the my things and their things overlapped, but not always. For example: it never bothered me when people talked about the science of how your body got rid of something that wouldn't have developed properly. But other women I talked with were upset by this comment. So here's the list of things I've heard NOT to say:
-It wasn't meant to be.
-You'll have other kids.
-Its in god's plan.
-You'll get pregnant again.
-Its for the best.

The list could go on and on. Because in reality, there's nothing good to say. Except maybe, "I'm sorry." The best thing after that is to listen. To let the person cry. To offer to talk about mindless other things. To tell the person you're there for them. And after that, call them. They're unlikely to call you, even if you said to. Its a good idea to call them again and ask what they want. I like offering some options- "you can talk to me about things if you want, or I can talk about mindless shit on tv if you want a distraction."

One thing that really surprised me about my miscarriage was how long I grieved. I don't mean that lightly either. I mean, I came home from work and if you weren't right in my face, you didn't know, but I was actively in pain. For months. And months. I think its helpful for people to know that. Don't assume your friend is ok because it happened a couple of months ago and she's back to drinking and hanging out again. Ask. Offer.

I asked some of the ladies I know to tell me about what their experience was like having sex after a vaginal delivery. I have no idea what's wrong with me, but it had never ocurred to me to think about this until after I had a baby. Don't know if I'm a dumbass or if this is some sort of self-preservation/I-want-to-assume-I'll-continue-to-like-sex-so-I'll-bury-my-head-in-the-sand thing or what. But I never thought about it. I never heard anyone talk about it. So I decided this is a topic that should get some attention.

Here's one response I got:

I was SCARED TO DEATH. I kept thinking OMFG I am gonna tear right back open!!! Not to mention the amount of excruciating pain that I was about to endure! I was almost hyperventilating at the thought. I think my body must have been as stiff as a board.

But much to my surprise it wasn't nearly as horrifying as I had imagined. We took things slowly and used a lot of lubrication. There was a little pain (mostly a burning sensation from the skin stretching) at first, but I made him just stay still until the pain subsided before any thrusting began. We started moving slowly at first and then faster and faster as I became more comfortable. It was almost like having sex for the first time again, and it was certainly enjoyable for him since my vagina was a little tighter than it used be. So have no fear, it is not such a horrible horrifying experience.

I've known this woman for most of my life. So when I read that she felt "stiff as a board," it brought me back to playing Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board with her when we were kids. Funny.

One detail on her comments though, I'm pretty much POSITIVE that men don't give a shit how tight your vagina is. I could be wrong, but every. single. man. I've ever discussed it with says they don't care. Its more about chemistry than anything it seems.

Anyway, another woman responded saying that she hasn't been able to return to regular sexual patterns yet either. Its been about 6 months. She said she can't get over the feeling that she's been examined every time her husband touches her.

I guess parenting magazine just published an article about this. They probably did a better job than me. But they probably don't swear in posts either. Fuck 'em!

Anyway, some physical things to consider: your vagina has some remodeling tissues in there and it may take time for the region to allow you to enjoy things. I think oral sex should be mandatory in these scenarios. The women receiving, fellas. Don't get all excited and think I just ordered your gal to blow you. She's probably a little ahead on the tally there anyway. Ha! Get it? "ahead?" Boy, I'm mature sometimes.

Back to the post... on top of your vagina physically maybe lacking some comfort, you may also suffer from vaginal dryness due to the hormones. Again, oral is probably the way to go. But there's nothin wrong with a little bump n grind... just use some lube. Probably you'll both enjoy the oral better.

The other thing with breastfeeding and hormones and all that is that women may lack interest in sex. With dry nannies and painful sex, can you blame us? Our bodies are not ready for another baby and sex is ultimately, biologically a method to make a baby. So turning off the sex drive by drying up the pipes and focusing on the babies is our body's way of protecting us from shooting out another bean too soon.

In our society and our relationships, sex is part of romantic relationships. So, you should try to have some. Sometimes. Did I mention oral might be the way to go? Whatever you do, just take your time with each other and talk because what your feeling and doing is not new. And it is normal.

So I hear. I still haven't really had experience. Yup, that's right 4 months later, I'm holding a new V card. Or something. I'll keep working on that but have been having stitches and all kinds of girl part drama, so I've been benched. Soon though. Should be soon.