Pee pee and poo poo will rule your life, but not like you think

You will change your vocabulary. You'll say crazy shit in a sympathetic whiny voice like, "oh no, honey. Did you get poop on your penis? I'm sorry. No don't cry. Don't worry, mommy will wipe it off."
"Oh no, your testicles too? Ok, it's okay, we'll fix it."

And this will be in a porta potty and you'll think, "I'm going to burn the entire side of my body off when I get home because I have never ever let this much of myself touch anything in a port-a-potty before for a REASON. And then you will wipe shit off of a tiny penis... and testicles.

When you're prepping for baby, you'll think of changing diapers but that's not the shit no one tells you. No one tells you, you'll stop 4 times for potty breaks on a 35 minute trip when you have a one and 3 year old because the 1 year old is learning from the 3 year old and you have to stop when anyone says "I have to go poop, mommy," because...well... optimism. Diapers might end. And this will effectively make your 35 minute car ride into a 4hour circus akin to the scene in European vacation (see how I worked Euro-pee-an in there?) "Look kids, big ben"

Then at some point, you'll decide to let them pee on the ground instead of going into a single other establishment and they'll find an old TV and have a party of peeing on it.

Then you'll think you're all clear. That both kids are out of diapers and you're done but then the now 2 year old will say, "no, I didn't peepee on the heater, Magnus did it." And he'll be lying. They had a pissing contest on the heater. And they got the idea while peeing on the side of the road.

You will picture terrible things

When my first child was a baby, I suddenly and often had vivid imaginings of terrible things happening to him. I had trouble watching my husband carry him downstairs, but it wasn't just obvious things like this. If this has never happened to you, you may think I sound paranoid or even delusional but it turns out to be quite normal to have fairly detailed near-hallucinations of death when you're a new parent.

I no longer do this quite so much now that he's 4. So that ends and that's nice.

Cockblocking after babies

If there isn't enough cockblocking going on by the actual babies themselves, the worst cockblock around for us married ladies, is when our husband's idiot friends tell them horror stories about vasectomies. We're done. I don't want more babies. The idea of another pregnancy or two years without sleep makes me want to have a sex change and that's obviously a significantly more serious series of surgeries.

But these idiot dude friends of our husbands keep telling them horror stories about having vasectomies, a surgery that is undeniably easier than the smoothest birth. Stop. It.

I mean it. Stop. IT!

You're a cockblocker. I want unprotected sex as far as the eye can see without pills, condoms, diaphrams, or anything fucking else happening to my woman parts. Seriously, two babies were plenty of happening for my vagina. The only things from here on out are parties, panty-less parties, UNDERSTAND?

So if your balls swelled or you gave yourself a rare version of frost-bitten herpies with contaminated ice (I made that up,) that can continue to be Shit My Husband Does Not Need You to Tell Him. He'd also like unprotected sex but you just spooked him.

Remember what he went through to get laid before me? Remember what you went through to get laid when your kids were little? Be a man and kindly shut up.

I had a dream that a pair of sunglasses was pulled out of my vagina by my 3-year-old. Not only that, but then ensued a conversation about why it's not ok to pull things out of mommy's vagina. What. The. Fuck.

Obviously, my vagina's very shiny.

Insies on the Outsies

Please be careful after giving birth. Remember that you pushed a giant human out your vagina. The pelvic floor has been challenged and it's a strong set of muscles that needs you to LEAVE IT ALONE. I have two friends who had full prolapses. I don't think either of these people did anything wrong, but just so you know, it does happen.

My midwife the first time around was adamant that I NOT go downstairs for days after I gave birth. It might have even been a week or two, I don't remember now. My second midwife was also strict about this. For some strange reason, my friends who gave birth in hospitals seem not to have gotten this advice. Both midwives explain that it helps avoid prolapse (when your insides drive their way through your weakened pelvic floor and end up outside.)

Prolapse is NO FUCKING JOKE (although my friends are assholes who tell jokes about it anyway "How's it hangin'?" and such.) It does happen and it presents long term recovery challenges to the mom. I think people are generally ashamed/embarrassed to talk about it so I'm putting it out there. Please don't go run races two weeks post partum, or immediately go to vacuuming your house, or running up and down stairs. Let. Your. Body. Rest.

Because some shit they forget to tell some mamas is your insies can end up on the outsies if you don't.

The Clit is HOW big???

At 34, I learned the shape of the clitoris. I thought it was a little bean-shaped thing but it turns out it's a huge organ, the only one exclusively for pleasure. And I'd consider my sexual openness/knowledge to be well above average. So here it is.

Cliteracy is an Art/Public Awareness Campaign by artist, Sophia Wallace. A video about it is here.
 http://vimeo.com/59497570

Here's a Huffpost Article about her art installment
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/28/cliteracy_n_3823983.html

More on Toddler poop

I should clarify that when I made my son pick up his own feces off the floor, it was the third time he had pooped on the floor.  The first two, I was cool as a cucumber.  He started doing it during timeouts.  Timeouts I was probably overusing to correct his behavior.  He's a very verbal kid.  Tonight at dinner, he looked at Rob and said "Daddy, stop making faces at me and be serious.  I'm trying to ask you a question."  He turns three on Saturday. 

The thing about verbal kids is that when they talk to you so much, you start to forget how little they still are.  How they need to be held and babied and led very, very carefully.  And, I'm a little sleep deprived most of the time and A LOT sleep deprived some of the time.  So I had a little poop coming my way.

The truth of it is, I'm glad he started shitting on the floor.  It made me take stock.  I had to realize that he needed me to spend time telling him we were spending time together, focusing on spending time together.  I had to give him extra hugs.  I had to stop using time out so much.  I wasn't using it right.  I started sitting with him in it and showing him how to take deep breaths to calm down. 

And we went back to sticker charts for all the potty-business.  So now life is good.  I can't tell you how many times I've dug a hole and held him over it so he could poop.  (with a baby in a front carrier to boot!)

Poop vs. Song

My second baby is six months old today.  That's a half a year!  And while I haven't slept through an entire night in what feels like infinity, and I have not pooped with the door closed in nearly 3 years, I am surpremely happy.  I think it's all the scribbling and singing silly songs.  If you don't do a lot of that with your kids, I will tell you the three things that make me get along best with my toddler when he's getting annoying:  singing silly songs (I recommend Brass Monkey, by the Beastie Boys, b/c then your toddler will sing it later while going down the echoey stairs and that's seriously funny stuff,) scribbling with wild abandon, and wrestling (great for aggression release when you're getting stupidly pissed at the small cave person's attitude problem, because seriously, they can be infuriating but getting mad is just stupid b/c the poor small person's brain just hasn't developed yet.  Take a deep breath and wrestle about it.)

If you can't do those things, walking away to count to a thousand and take some deep breaths is totally a good idea.  I know b/c some shit I knew but chose to ignore was that sometimes toddlers shit on the floor in defiance.  And my kid did that a couple weeks ago.  Congratulations to me b/c I didn't kill him.  I barely even yelled.  I did, however, grab his hand and make him pick it up.  We've spent some time since then singing songs, scribbling, and wrestling.  And I can honestly say our household is once again happy.

Why is there an upside-down stool in the middle of the room and a batman character imbedded in the middle off my back?  Because, your house goes to absolute shit when you have two kids.  Don't let your multi-child friends fool you at some dinner party.  There are secret stashes of crap they pushed into closets at the last minute or grandma just visited for two weeks and cleaned or soemthing.  Your friends with two kids and an organized house are fooling you.

Your house goes to shit when you have two kids.  At least if they're both small AND you have the normal variety of husband that doesn't do housework unless something is green and growing out of a hole somewhere or you specifically asked, and then asked again, and then flatout told him to do it.  No, right now. 

So, normal every day folks' houses go to shit.  And it's uncomfortable.  There's WAY more clutter than I can handle and by the quantity of laundry we do, you'd think there was a village in the back of my house that I'm secretly taking in the washing for in order to make ends meet.  But no, this is just how much there is.  The dog hasn't had a bath in three months and the bathrooms floor only gets cleaned when someone drops something or I cut the kiddo's hair in there.  But the kids and I are clean and well-fed so ... my house is just shit for a while. 

Don't stop by.  Or do.  It's really your call if you can handle it.  I like living.  So, I have to let the house be shitty so I can write and shower and eat and ski and do crafts with Magnus and read books and build forts.  So if you can look past the mess, I'll share a glass of wine with you in a zebra print fort.  If you can't, I understand.  I can't really either.  Thus the wine.

Getting Pregnant Again

The second your first baby is born, you think "I'm never doing this again."  You know the pain.  You know the trauma.  You're so happy to not be pregnant anymore. But then sex feels all good and you like your partner again and you get a lil lazy with the birth control and BAM! You're pregnant again. 

The second pregnancy will be completely different than the first.  Everyone tells you this.  This is the reverse of the shit no one tells you.  It's the shit everyone tells you but you don't believe a single one of them.  It was so different, I was shocked to find that this baby was also a boy.  I was completely convinced that since I had so much more energy and felt so much better, it must be a girl.  Nope.  The second pregnancy is just different.

So is the second birth.  Totally different.  I'm telling you.  But you probably won't believe me.  Or you'll be the exception and be all, "My pregnancies were totally the same." 

So I had another baby, I know, I know, shocking.  Why, wasn't it just two years ago I was writing this blog and deathly fearing the idea of having another one?  Yes, yes it was.  Nature and biology and sexytimes are neat like that. I found out I was pregnant three days before I started grad school.  So it goes.  Onward and upward! 

So I had another baby.  Another boy.  At home again.  And it was rad.  It went way, WAY better than last time.  I didn't get quite as huge.  I still have thirty pounds to lose but hey, it's not 60 like last time so that's good.  I didn't push for two hours.  I pushed once.  And the whole danged baby came out, which was cool. 

I will swear by two things about childbirth and they are: red raspberry leaf tea and orgasms.  Each should happen daily and if you need to masturbate to make that happen-- do it.  If you don't, you're a bitch who is obviously married to some pornstar-grade-piece-of-man-meat and you'll probably have some flat, perfect stomach four weeks after labor too.  I mean, you're a lovely woman and we should have tea some time.  Or something.

It never occurred to me that I could get a uterine infection.  I had a short labor.  I had NO cervical checks.  Which is not normal unless you're at home, and I was.  Which also lowers your risk of infection.  Yet, five days after I had Gavin, there I was feeling like I had the flu.  It hurt to move my eyeballs.  My stomach was distended, which was hard to see since it just looked like it hadn't gone down from getting fat and having a baby yet.  And it hurt like balls to touch my belly anywhere.  A uterine infection is no joke.  It's one of those things that used to kill women.  It can go systemic and kill you pretty quickly actually because it's an organ in the middle of your stomach that is connected to a lot of blood supply.  Which means your whole body can go septic quickly.  No joke.  Thankfully it's 2013, so I got on some antibiotics and was ok pretty quickly. 

I did NOT get hemorrhoids this time though.  Neat.

I did have hot flashes like a middle aged lady- perfectly normal at the end of pregnancy and immediately following birth.  Hormones, of course.  Interestingly, my doctor confessed that she had had this exact problem and that in all her years of practice and training, no one had told her about this possibility.  There's always some shit no one tells you it seems.

Sex after childbirth... it does happen someday, right?

I was lucky in the postpartum pooping department. I shit within 24 hours after giving birth. And I figure this was lucky because it meant that I didn't stew about how bad it was going to hurt. I didn't have time to get too scared about it.

Sex postpartum is another story.

I was so happy to have gotten to have natural childbirth at home. Moments after giving birth, I felt so close to my husband. I really wanted to have sex with him. It was such an intimate time. And sex is what you do to celebrate intimacy. But not so much when 8 lbs of pain has just torn through your vagina. Best to hang back and wait for some healing.

I'd torn in the regular places and also in my labia. They call it a button hole. What a cutesy bunch of bullshit.

But 3 months later, I still hadn't had sex. I only had a couple of stitches but apparently it was hard to determine where to stitch because I had hematomas all over. Which is gross and painful. They didn't stitch my labia at all. Which wouldn't have been a big deal if it had been a small hole, but it wasn't. Which means it could catch during sex and could tear and hurt like a motherfucker. So then 6 weeks postpartum, I went back to the midwife. She called in a national expert on stitching who debraded and restitched everything. Which was painful. I mean, really, really painful.

Then 13 weeks postpartum, the hole in my labia completely reopened. Which meant I was facing stitching for a third time. The third time I gave up on being tough and went to the OB's office for the comfort and the good drugs.

I'm a slow healer. It happens. My husband was very patient. He genuinely did not pressure me. I did all the pressuring myself. I'm awesome like that.

The long and short of it is, it was six months before we successfully had sex again. This isn't as uncommon as you would think either. There's the six week mark where you think you'll be healed. And I sort of was. I went hiking and could do most things then. But there's still tissue remodeling that takes place for a long time. So take heart if you're waiting and worrying. Or... say... pressuring yourself. Relax. It will happen.

For me, sex is better now. I prefer not to look downtown. Things are a little larger than I'd anticipated. I don't like changes to my body. I like to look at me and see me. If I had the choice to switch places with Paris Hilton, I wouldn't. Partly because I'm better looking than she is, and partly because she's horrible. Ok, better example, Scarlett Johansson. I would like to fuck someone's brains out in her body for a day. But if I had the choice, I'd rather see me in the mirror. That's how I feel about some of the changes to my body post partum. But how they FEEL? They feel fucking great! Now that things are healed, its more comfortable than ever. And for the past year, I've orgasmed easier than ever.

What not to say- Miscarriage

When I had my miscarriage, there were certain things people said that set me off. From talking to other people, I've found that they too had things that set them off. Sometimes the my things and their things overlapped, but not always. For example: it never bothered me when people talked about the science of how your body got rid of something that wouldn't have developed properly. But other women I talked with were upset by this comment. So here's the list of things I've heard NOT to say:
-It wasn't meant to be.
-You'll have other kids.
-Its in god's plan.
-You'll get pregnant again.
-Its for the best.

The list could go on and on. Because in reality, there's nothing good to say. Except maybe, "I'm sorry." The best thing after that is to listen. To let the person cry. To offer to talk about mindless other things. To tell the person you're there for them. And after that, call them. They're unlikely to call you, even if you said to. Its a good idea to call them again and ask what they want. I like offering some options- "you can talk to me about things if you want, or I can talk about mindless shit on tv if you want a distraction."

One thing that really surprised me about my miscarriage was how long I grieved. I don't mean that lightly either. I mean, I came home from work and if you weren't right in my face, you didn't know, but I was actively in pain. For months. And months. I think its helpful for people to know that. Don't assume your friend is ok because it happened a couple of months ago and she's back to drinking and hanging out again. Ask. Offer.

I asked some of the ladies I know to tell me about what their experience was like having sex after a vaginal delivery. I have no idea what's wrong with me, but it had never ocurred to me to think about this until after I had a baby. Don't know if I'm a dumbass or if this is some sort of self-preservation/I-want-to-assume-I'll-continue-to-like-sex-so-I'll-bury-my-head-in-the-sand thing or what. But I never thought about it. I never heard anyone talk about it. So I decided this is a topic that should get some attention.

Here's one response I got:

I was SCARED TO DEATH. I kept thinking OMFG I am gonna tear right back open!!! Not to mention the amount of excruciating pain that I was about to endure! I was almost hyperventilating at the thought. I think my body must have been as stiff as a board.

But much to my surprise it wasn't nearly as horrifying as I had imagined. We took things slowly and used a lot of lubrication. There was a little pain (mostly a burning sensation from the skin stretching) at first, but I made him just stay still until the pain subsided before any thrusting began. We started moving slowly at first and then faster and faster as I became more comfortable. It was almost like having sex for the first time again, and it was certainly enjoyable for him since my vagina was a little tighter than it used be. So have no fear, it is not such a horrible horrifying experience.

I've known this woman for most of my life. So when I read that she felt "stiff as a board," it brought me back to playing Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board with her when we were kids. Funny.

One detail on her comments though, I'm pretty much POSITIVE that men don't give a shit how tight your vagina is. I could be wrong, but every. single. man. I've ever discussed it with says they don't care. Its more about chemistry than anything it seems.

Anyway, another woman responded saying that she hasn't been able to return to regular sexual patterns yet either. Its been about 6 months. She said she can't get over the feeling that she's been examined every time her husband touches her.

I guess parenting magazine just published an article about this. They probably did a better job than me. But they probably don't swear in posts either. Fuck 'em!

Anyway, some physical things to consider: your vagina has some remodeling tissues in there and it may take time for the region to allow you to enjoy things. I think oral sex should be mandatory in these scenarios. The women receiving, fellas. Don't get all excited and think I just ordered your gal to blow you. She's probably a little ahead on the tally there anyway. Ha! Get it? "ahead?" Boy, I'm mature sometimes.

Back to the post... on top of your vagina physically maybe lacking some comfort, you may also suffer from vaginal dryness due to the hormones. Again, oral is probably the way to go. But there's nothin wrong with a little bump n grind... just use some lube. Probably you'll both enjoy the oral better.

The other thing with breastfeeding and hormones and all that is that women may lack interest in sex. With dry nannies and painful sex, can you blame us? Our bodies are not ready for another baby and sex is ultimately, biologically a method to make a baby. So turning off the sex drive by drying up the pipes and focusing on the babies is our body's way of protecting us from shooting out another bean too soon.

In our society and our relationships, sex is part of romantic relationships. So, you should try to have some. Sometimes. Did I mention oral might be the way to go? Whatever you do, just take your time with each other and talk because what your feeling and doing is not new. And it is normal.

So I hear. I still haven't really had experience. Yup, that's right 4 months later, I'm holding a new V card. Or something. I'll keep working on that but have been having stitches and all kinds of girl part drama, so I've been benched. Soon though. Should be soon.

The Male Perspective on Sex: Part II

I posted this interview with a dad. A dad. NOT MY dad. There was some confusion over that last time and while my family's pretty liberal, this is not a conversation I would have with my own father. So anyway, this is the second of this series of interviews. I'm hoping for at least one more dad to interview, but we'll see. If you know a dad or ARE a dad that would be willing to be interviewed: please let me know.



What was sex like for you when your wife was pregnant?

My wife had a lot of nausea the first half of her pregnancy, so we didn't have a lot of sex. The routine aspect of sex while trying to conceive was something I disliked, believe it or not. It took away all the spontaneity, so it was nice to have it be more like it was before trying to conceive.


What things helped your sex life during pregnancy?

We got a little more adventurous with positions during pregnancy to get around the awkwardness as she grew. Some folks said doggy style works well, but we just found it ridiculous. Scissors style was easier for her, but her on top was best. We generally do her on top now.


Were there things throughout pregnancy/childbirth which took adjusting to? What were they and what helped in the adjustment?

The emotional swings of my wife were hard. If I wasn't in the mood, she'd take it pretty hard and it would only add to the feelings that she had about getting larger, not feeling attractive, etc.


Describe your experiences with sex immediately after your wife gave birth.

We took some time before having sex again. We are generally a low-sex couple (two to four times a month) but we went for a couple of months without any. We were both too exhausted and just didn't feel very sexy.


What advice could you offer dads about sex during pregnancy?

Remember that her emotions can be dialed way up, so being tender, caring and attentive is even more critical than ever. Tell her she's beautiful all the time. Also, her breasts (which have always been her most key erogenous zone) were tender so I had to change some of my nibble habits!

After birth?
My wife is much more likely to climax after her pregnancies. I think sex is generally more enjoyable for her because of this. The milk issue was tough though. She likes a lot of breast play (I do too!) And we had to pretty much shut that down for a year or so while nursing.


What advice could you offer moms about sex during pregnancy?

Not all guys are sex maniacs, so don't be insulted when we're not into it sometimes. Be ready to discover new and improved approaches to sex as the pregnancy goes on.

After birth?

For us, sex after pregnancy (now, years after) is much better than before, largely because she's more likely to climax. We didn't expect that at all, so it was a great outcome!

I hate the I'm-sorry-for-not-posting-blah-blah-blah.

But... yeah, sorry for not posting.

I was busy sewing this for Magnus's first Christmas. But I have NOT abandoned this project and I WILL be posting more regularly. Cross my heart and hope to have another baby.

The other shit that's been going on is that I've had THREE, countem THREE procedures to repair my nanny after all this baby-having stuff. Its all been minor, but when you add stitches + stitches + stitches it equals = NO SEX and no skiing and kinda sucks. I'm thinking I'm in the home stretch now though.

Thankfully, I'm not only good at laughing at myself but good at when you all laugh at me too. I was in the parking lot today with some coworkers as they made jokes about the hole in my labia and wouldn't it be funny to string one of those wallet chains through it and have your wallet in your back pocket. There were gestures involved. GESTURES!

It was funny.

So yeah. I do intend to write about sex after childbirth. I just have to have it first. I'm sure it will be magical. Or something.

The Male Perspective on Sex

There are ways that we all edit ourselves. Things we might think, but wouldn't say to our significant other. For example, my husband would never say I looked fat in anything. Nor would he tell me I looked like hell. Nor would he likely tell me the honest truth about my vagina after delivery. Especially if it looked like fat hell.

So since I wanted to find out what men think about sex during pregnancy and after birth, I went to TBK and asked her who she might know that I could interview. (Being as how she's the source for all things sex related and how nice and helpful she is by nature, I figured she'd have the answers or get them.) She got me in touch with Reverend Matt from over at www.thecollectionblog.com, to do the first of 3 interviews with men about their perspective. Reverand Matt was nice enough to allow me to interview him about the nitty gritty details of sex and pregnancy and all that stuff. He provided me with concise, open, honest answers and did so promptly too! Don't worry, I even asked him vagina questions. You're welcome. Without further ado:

What was sex like for you when your wife/partner/gf was pregnant?

In our first pregnancy it was a pretty 'normal' pregnancy. Because we went through infertility treatments at first we were a little cautious, but by the time the 2nd trimester hormones kicked in and her sex drive returned we were more comfortable. After orgasm she would get cramping, which worried us a bit but her OB said that's fine and normal and not to worry about it.

How do you think fertility treatments affected your sex life?

Fertility treatments did affect our sex life in many ways. For me personally sex became a chore. There were specific days and times we HAD to have sex and ones where we shouldn't because there was no chance of conception and we didn't want to waste anything in the days leading up to the fertile stretch. It was tremendously stressful and cause me a great deal of anxiety about sex while we were going through it. Once we successfully conceived it became much easier to deal with sex again.

What things helped your sex life during pregnancy?

Communication. Reassuring her and making her feel beautiful.

Were there things throughout pregnancy/childbirth which took adjusting to? What were they and what helped in the adjustment?

Almost everything took adjusting to. Sometimes she was more interested in being made to feel pretty, loved, secure, cared for, and sex wasn't really appealing to her. Other times she was ready and eager for it but would get morning sickness in the middle. Being understanding of moods and emotional needs and etc is critical.

Describe your experiences with sex immediately after your wife gave birth.

She had severe post partum depression, there was not really any sex to speak of for a while. Once there was again there was some adjustment as the uterus has been through some big changes and she had some tearing during delivery which was still healing and sensitive.

What advice could you offer dads about sex during pregnancy?

Listen. Be understanding, patient, and willing to take care of yourself without pressuring her if need be. Reassure her that she's beautiful and you love her and everything is going to be OK.

After birth?

Really the same advice applies.

What advice could you offer moms about sex during pregnancy?

There is limited advice I can provide women about sex during or after pregnancy except to communicate. Overcommunicate. Make sure you are being as clear as you possibly can about your wants, needs, and limits.


If your wife had a vaginal delivery, how did that change the sensation of sex for you? Visually could you tell? How did you feel about it?

The first was a vaginal delivery. It altered the layout of the whole region a bit (I would say tilted everything slightly back and maybe altered where various nerve endings etc were located). Visually it wasn't noticeable, but it was noticeably physically. I was fine with the changes, it all changes a little bit over the course of each cycle and with age/weight loss/weight gain/etc etc. It's not enough of a change to make sex more or less pleasurable. The second was a c-section which obviously didn't alter sex in any way post delivery.

When eating for two feels like being all alone

Before being pregnant, I had many friends with children. It probably happens because I love kids. I was a special education teacher for 5 years and the part that was the best about it was kids. I like all ages of kids too: toddlers, tweens, teens.

So since I have so many friends with kids, I didn't realize how isolating pregnancy can be. Until I was pregnant. And suddenly, I wasn't invited anymore. It wasn't a malicious thing on anyone's part. Its just that a lot of my friends are drinkers, and athletes. And a lot of what we do together is sports and drinking. Most times when we go out, I drink, but sometimes not. Sometimes I'm the DD or I just don't feel like it or I have one beer and call it good.

While I stayed active during pregnancy, you just can't go ski off a rock, or drink until 1 am. And so suddenly, I found myself alone a lot. Now, I like being alone. So it actually took me quite a while to notice that I hadn't been seeing people a whole lot. I'm lucky that way. And I didn't generally take it too personally. But I was pregnant and there's hormones and and and I'm not going to pretend I didn't ever feel left out.

But as I said, I like being alone. And I was busy overeating and sleeping a whole lot and enjoying doing a lot of reading so it wasn't too bad. But I'm pretty sure lots of women feel very lonely while pregnant. And you're supposed to be so happy and flowery that its hard to mention it to anyone. Especially when all people want to talk to you about is pregnancy. Then next thing you know it, all you can talk about is pregnancy and the baby babybabybaby. And you just don't feel like you; you feel like giant, all-alone you.

My husband has been eating inordinate amounts of gas producing foods lately. This became obvious the night I could no longer put clothing away in my son's room because of the stink cloud that had taken over his room. My son, was unfazed and smiling adoringly at his father. So I left them to it. FYI, when you fart really loud in the kid's room and someone is in the next room, it makes the "voice" activated monitor turn on and you can hear the fart in stereo. My husband got to fist pumping over this.

I'd react or ask him to put a handle on it, but in my first trimester I was the gassiest thing alive. So there's a little shit no one tells you. Everyone tells you about the vomiting in the first trimester and most ladies hear about how tired you are, but no one mentions the insane amount of gas. If you're embarrassed about it, you should get over it by farting next to the monitor, because it really is funny.

Everyone tells you that your body releases relaxin during pregnancy in order to relax your joints so that your hips can widen for the baby to come out. Relaxin ends up in weird joints though which on me ended up popping all the time. The weirdest two places that popped: my pubus, and my sternum. Didn't hurt, just creeped me out.